011. I have this irrational fear of finding a dead body in a public restroom.
This isn’t because of video games or movies, it’s always been in the back of my mind.
009. I still believe in Santa.
So I was nine years old. We lived in a trailer for a year and a half when I was younger, and it was going to be an awful Christmas, I just knew it. Mom didn’t have to tell me. I was at the age where kids started slowly not believing in Santa Claus. So I wrote this letter to him and the only thing I asked for was for Santa to bring my mom a ring. My mom was in a bad relationship with an abusive man who never gave her anything nice. I hid the letter until the school asked for any letters for Santa. We dropped them in a large sack and they were sent to the post office.
Christmas morning comes and my sister and I run out and tear open our gifts with haste. There’s this small, long box under the tree, shoved in the very back. It’s shaped like a treasure chest. There’s no wrapping, no note. My mom grabbed it and opened it and I remember her being quiet for a while. She handed me the box. The ring was sitting in the corner of the box, not placed neatly in the middle, no tissue paper. It was presented without presentation. It had a big stone in the middle, one on either side.
I was speechless.
I don’t know how that ring showed up at the house and neither does my mom. Even today she denies knowing where it came from.
It was the only magical part of that year for me, and I hold onto that when Christmas seems a little less magical.
008. I have played every Nancy Drew game.
I don’t own all of them anymore, one or two have scratched, but I plan on re-purchasing them.
And yes, I’m nineteen years old.
I will play these fuckers until I die.
They are flawless.
007. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was a little girl.
I still might, but money is a big problem.
006. I always knew I would be a smoker.
I wasn’t interested in drugs or alcohol or sex when I was a kid, I wanted to try a cigarette. And not because of my friends, family, or because people in the movies smoked. I wanted to smoke. Whenever I saw someone smoking I’d stand near them and just smell it, and I knew I wanted it.
I started at sixteen and haven’t looked back since.
005. I am very passive when it comes to intimacy.
004. I am uncomfortable with touching.
I only hug my immediate family and a handful of friends. I won’t say anything if someone hugs me unexpectedly but it’s uncomfortable.
003. I had no friends in middle school.
The only person that would talk to me was the librarian.
002. My first memory is of a house fire.